The Four Ts For Effective Communication

Written by Mark Wickersham, ECS Director of Spiritual Formation

Communicating effectively can sometimes be difficult. Last weekend, my brother treated me to a delicious Italian meal in downtown Indy, and he told me I sounded short with our waiter. Boo. I was surprised by what he said, but thankful. I had told the waiter to give us a few minutes to order, and I thought what I said sounded great. I thought I communicated my desires concisely and clearly, but my brother thought I sounded a little rude and not so chipper. I didn’t mean to sound rude, BUT I came across that way to at least one person whose opinion I respect. Later, I asked the waiter if he was from the area and how I could pray for him. He said his family needed to reconcile, and they could use some prayer. I’m grateful I was able to have a meaningful dialogue with this brother in Christ, and that he didn’t perceive me as a jerk who didn’t care about him.

I would love to tell you that last weekend was the first time I’ve been unaware of my poor communication. I would love to tell you that I’ve never been told that I sound proud and condescending. Not only have I been told that multiple times, but I’ve been told FAR WORSE about my communication. Boo. I’m thankful for courageous Christians who aren’t afraid to call me out when my communication falls short of being Christlike. I’m grateful for the Holy Spirit, who not only convicts me of my sins but guides me to say what I should and shouldn’t. Effective communication isn’t always easy, but I’m getting better at it, and I’m confident that my communication will improve. Thank you, Jesus.

How effective is your communication? If we had a camera on you 24/7 and posted it online for all to see, would we always see you expressing yourself lovingly to your family? Are beautiful words being expressed to your spouse, or are there screams and shouts of disappointment and despair? Are you expressing encouragement and joy to your children, or are you communicating impatience and frustration? Would your colleagues describe you as someone who shows love and respect with your words and actions? Before anyone thinks I’m always relaying God-glorifying messages from my lips, I’m not. I’m preaching this blog post to myself first and foremost; however, if I don’t ask these questions, that would be the opposite of effective communication.

Here are four principles I stole from someone that have helped me communicate more effectively. I recommend thinking about the four Ts whenever you are having a conversation with someone. They’ve helped me a great deal, and I think they can help you as well.

1. TIMING – Is this the right time to say this? How are my emotions? How are their emotions? Is there a better time to say this, considering the current situation, location, and time we have?

2. TONE – Am I saying this with the right tone? Am I compassionate? Do I express Christlike love and concern, or do I sound overly emotional or like an angry idiot?

3. TECHNIQUE – Am I using the right words or emotionally charged words to get a reaction? Do I finger-point, blame, criticize, and refuse to see the plank in my own eye? Do I have anything positive to say?

4. TRUTH – Do I speak the truth in love, or do I avoid what is true? Am I loving the person enough to say what is true, even if it might be hard to say or hard to hear?

Yes, communication can be challenging, but considering the four Ts can help us enhance our communication and foster connections that honor God. Let’s practice effective communication skills that draw people to Christ and bring glory to God. Just do it!

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14